Bush tea is not hipster food

Thank you, internationalization. Thanks to enterprising South African exporters and their American counterparts, I no longer have to go to specialist South African stores to buy bush tea (sometimes called "rooibos," from the Afrikaans). For the unaware, bush tea is a popular South African drink. It has a mild, warm flavor that reminds me of nothing so much as hot buttered bread, and is usually drunk with added milk and sugar. It is the ultimate comfort food, and in South Africa, most folks drink it. Exotic it isn't.

That is, until you bring it here. All of a sudden, it's some kind of mysterious health food, conjuring up images of deepest Africa and beaches and tropical fruit (or whatever it is Americans associate with Africa these days--civil wars, perhaps?). Never mind that actual bush tea drinkers in actual Africa live in rather dull (other than the high crime) suburbs and drink the stuff after driving the kids to soccer practice. In this country, it's a cultural experience, a breathtaking journey into the unconquered mountains of All Things Foreign. And because bush tea has a flavor only slightly more interesting than milk, it needs to be Enhanced. And this is where I have objections.

See, most of the bush tea blends you can buy here insist on adding things to the tea. The most common addition is just vanilla, giving you "Madagascar Vanilla Red Tea" or something of the sort. That's not too bad, but if I wanted vanilla in it, I could probably have added my own (I'm a genius that way). The latest abomination, however, comes from California, from the very depths of everything hipster. And thus, I bring you:

The Wonder Herb of South Africa
RED TEA

Yes, I'm quoting the packaging. It really is this painful. The stuff in italics is my running commentary, just in case that wasn't blindingly obvious.

RED TEA ISN'T JUST RED TEA. It's tea with an attitude. Gag! Gag! You've heard of the great gift of health from a cup of green tea, now there is RED TEA which provides even more health promoting properties. Dude, Americans have longer life expectancies than South Africans. Are you serious? Reasearchers have discovered that RED TEA, an indigenous wonder herb of South Africa called rooibos (ROY-boss), It means "red bush," bro. Because it's the leaves of a bush, and they're red. Of course, you could just call it bush tea, the way English speakers often do, but that doesn't sound foreign enough, does it? is full of polyphenols and flavonoids which help protect the body from free-radicals that weaken natural defenses and eventually lead to aging and the onset of disease. Seriously? I'm drinking the wonder drug? I'm never going to get old or sick again? Man, and here was me thinking it just tasted good. Look, ma, it's HEALTHY! Studies show drinking RED TEA daily can reward you with powerful anti-oxidants that help create a healthier, longer life. And make you a lot of money, I'm sure, but that's totally incidental.

Anyway, that's all well and good. I don't care what you put on the label as long as I get my bush tea. But no, you had to start adding things:

South African rooibos is paired with the sunny tropical flavors of passion fruit and mango. Sunflowers and rose petals add unique floral notes, while hibiscus lends a tart-sweet finish. [Our product] brews into a rich garnet-hued tea, also refreshing over ice.

Aaaaaaaaaggh! Run away! Run away! I really wish I had read the label a little more thoroughly before buying this stuff, because it tastes almost nothing like actual bush tea. It tastes like some kind of slightly-sour (that'll be the passion fruit) tropical fruit monster, with the bush tea flavor mostly overwhelmed by all the extra stuff. It really doesn't work well with added milk, which destroys the whole point.

Anyway, it is possible to get plain bush tea, but you need to stay away from the health food stores. Try Smith's. It also helps if the tea was packaged by a South African firm, rather than an American one, since South Africans seem less tempted to try and make it taste more foreign. Oh, and you might try adding a little vanilla. That blend was actually pretty good. But try it the normal way first ;-).